Mogadishu and Lagos shenanigans

A recount of travel adventures by some friends made me write this because of the humor which they gave these stories with. Of interest was travels to Somalia and Lagos in terms of arms adventures. My friends are pretty ordinary and have no previous experience with firearms (dealing or using) and so this was a totally foreign concept to them-encountering live ammunition at close range.
Back to the story-so one of them goes to Mogadishu on some work related trip and when done decides to go for some last minutes hopping at the general market which is rumored to have everything from fabric, precious metals, ice-cream, grain, artifacts and ammunition-this in range from grenades, bazookas, AK47s, MAC 10s, Kalashnikovs and an endless list of the lot. True to form all that is rumored about the market was in existence and the chap decides to ‘window shop’. And in seconds he has willing sellers haggling prices and even offering a shooting range/target practice to test the product after purchase, after all he wanted value for money right? And he plays along thinking it’s a hoax till they get to the shooting range and he is shown how to handle the AK, clean it and whatever else you are taught about arms. In the end however he just killed that story (buying the gun I mean), but it has left an impression of Mogadishu being ‘too cool’.
The one that went to Lagos got invited to a ‘local’ for pints by a friend who was mutual friends with a big shot of sorts that side of the world. And as the evening wore on, my friend suggests a change of venue dues to the dubiousness of the local’s surroundings and the impending darkness. His new Oga pal just tells him to be easy and makes a call. Within 5 minutes flat a battalion of cops lands in the area and five secure the local’s exterior and three others join them inside to ‘protect’ them. This is not the end of it, the 3 guards join them for some pints and it starts getting heated as they get frosted and the cops start a pissing contest with whose gun chucks the loudest shots/gunfire and they whip out their guns and have a trigger happy pissing contest. Anyway this was shortly followed by my friend’s exit of the premises and end of his frosting spree ever in Lagos! Shenanigans of Africa, that’s what makes this continents uniquely interesting!

Professionalism

There exist different kinds of professions on this earth- from prostitution to journalism, banking, thieving (on both small and large scale), politicking, artistry and the list is endless. What I have come to know is that there are levels of skill required for these professions and to each that practices them and the results of the worker’s labor speak for themselves. And my point, respect all professions and the skills they entail. This is regardless of whether those doing them trained for them sufficiently or not, and my kudos to those who have (or are on their way towards) mastering their fields. When I watch ladies of Koinange’s ilk marketing their wares on street corners at 3am or in some classy restaurant with random different clients, I get to understand it is not a profession for the weak. And this is the same notion I will have when watching soldiers going through grueling training at their barracks to become efficient killing machines. All I am saying is that it is never easy, hard work comes in many forms in different professions, only issue is, what kind of profession you are in. So to be the best marketer (of different wares-depending on your JD and situation), soldier, artsist, banker, thief, teacher, etc. go out of your way by working as hard as you possibly can, be the best in what you do and kick ass!

Peculiarities in the Nairobi art scene

So with the Nairobi art scene experiencing some sort of renaissance, it seems to be going through some unnecessary peculiarities of sorts. Why? Because few artists in Nairobi seem to have brainwashed themselves with the idea that they are major gifts to the country’s art scene. Please note that the only reason they think so is the plus of having journalists, bloggers, events planners and ‘fans’ who are friends. This guarantees them all the publicity and no review of their work, no criticism and no comparison to others artists countrywide to see capability and talent abounding from others who may as well be more talented and more gracious.
And with this mentality of being ‘the greatest’ or ‘the providers of premier East African musical experiences’ has even made them form their own ‘cool crowd’ which ranges from groupies to hanger ons (those of the ‘I know so and so at every gig’!) and users as well (these ones vary in their talents; from using other people’s husbands to furthering their career to kissing anyone for the paparazzi so as to get some extra press/publicity). And to be with the cool crowd you have to adhere to some unwritten commandments;
Thou shall show up at every major gig (in Nairobi only, few exceptions are made for bourgeoisie gigs at the coast and some exclusive parts of the Rift Valley) thrown by any artist members of the ‘cool crowd’
Thou shall continuously refer to these gigs (to a nauseating effect) in any conversation held with the cool ones
Thou shall seriously ostracize non religious attendees to the ‘cool crowd’ artists gigs
Thou shall aspire to be identified with all the gig throwers and artists affiliated with the ‘cool crowd’
And the list goes on and on methinks, but its never that serious in my opinion off to pay attention to real talent!

Jav Adventures in the new hood

So after having moved to a lovely neighbourhood in the middle of a weird new area code, I have had to endure some serious matatu torture rides-and I mean TORTUROUS!
Why I am sure you ask-picture yourself on Jogoo road, but instead of driving towards town, you deviate to the other side of the road and drive against oncoming traffic (please note when you’re boarding the jav, they say jogoo road, town so obviously you assume its via city stadium past Muthurwa and presto, uko town!). Well this is not the case and some of us green ones learn this the hard way.
Back to my story-as the driver nonchalantly drives at 100kph against oncoming traffic, we sharply swerve and enter Shauri Moyo, against some more kidogo oncoming traffic. And the journey from there into the mazes of Eastleigh Sector 4 on some seriously bumpy, nonexistent roads over which the dere still pulls a 100kph over. And as you look around you fear for your life because of the existing perilous situations (both inside where death is possible from an accident and outside the jav where you could get jacked and thrown into one of the numerous sewage rivers running in the area or worse). Suffice to say by the time you get to town-hopefully in one piece (albeit with rattling teeth, bad back, heart in throat and purse and rosary/prayer beads tightly clutched in fist) you do not want to ever want to get into a 33/34jav ever again considering the crazy ride as well as the cost-kshs70-100 depending on whether its raining, there is mad jam or the kange feels generous! Unfortunately, jioni you’re back at the stage chilling for one to take you home and that will be in part of this storo 
Ciao people

Earning Stripes

I recently had the good fortune to attend a lovely classical music dinner gala and the bad fortune of sitting next to a not so lovely character during the dinner session. The thing is this unsavory character is a business mogul (aptly labeled Chairman) who has earned his stripes, but completely lacks decent table manners in terms of small talk and is also well known for his voracious appetite for young ladies who he entices at any open opportunity with his wallet. Well on this night he had met his challenge as he is used to company that constantly sucks up and has made him unaware of his bigoted behavior and I think he has not met a young one who is pro-wallet first! One rude comment from him was enough to elicit a taciturn reply that shut him up a few minutes before he came up with another only to find an immediate sardonic response from my end. This prompted the guy to down a couple of pints and finding no more mocking left in him, left our table to go terrorize some poor diplomat who cringed at the sight of Mr. Bigot’s approach as he yelled his name- Poor guy! After that the tension at the table lifted and everyone looked at me in a different way- considering they were previously unaware of my presence on the table. I had earned my stripes as well ;)

Male Summer Bunny Woes

Having drinks with summer bunnies- summer bunny (singular) is usually an experience in itself, indescribable because the turn of events when drinking with them is always unpredictable. For those of you wondering what summer bunnies are-fear not I do not get cute little furry creatures to imbibe in alcohol with me, summer bunnies is a term used to describe-scratch that, it’s the label on people who go study abroad and come back to Nairobi over summer with a bang, literally. Most of the time the summer bunnies I catch pints with are chicks, but at this particular time, there was a male one in the group as we were catching a frost after lunch on a Monday afternoon.

He had woes and I mean woes like some oga flick/Mexican soap opera. Being the token black guy in one of those European countries where miros (Africans/blacks) are a rare occurrence, he always has Caucasian women all over him. And now the woes start because he has one who he was having fun times with and has ended up falling for him and another who he is falling for and has a thing with without the ‘fun times’ girl’s knowledge. I know it sounds like one of those Mexican tele-novelas, but this is true. To make matters spicier he brings the two girls back to Kenya for holiday and continues the cat and mouse games from this end with both girls nearly having a mild territorial bout of sorts over him, by the time the girls go back he is still confused on who to date and was asking us for advice, I was beyond gobsmacked and of totally no help. And I drifted off kidogo as I enjoyed my drink and then got dragged back into the conversation as they (male and female bunnies) casually talked about how Caucasian women ‘buy’ boobs-implants, well that was the end of the session as I realised that my time was up and I had to leave.

Pool Therapy

The other day I had a bit of pool/snooker therapy with a good male friend who I have known for about ten years. We always have ‘therapy session’ lunches, but this time we made it into a snooker/pool one (since your truly cannot play this game to save her life and he offered to show me how it’s done.) The main therapy topic this time was relationships- how Nairobians most of the time can’t seem to understand certain boundaries and how traditional chauvinistic traits have slowly, but surely started entrenching themselves in modern/current relationships. So as I poorly navigated the balls on the table with my q-stick (hope that's the proper spelling) and multi-tasked that with bitching and offering insights with my boy, we came to a conclusion of sorts-you have to know your partner well enough to navigate your relationship like the snooker balls, there always has to be a winner and a loser in some situations that might rock the relationship. Calculate your mover before potting- know how far the limits are before pushing your partner’s buttons, lose gracefully- nobody likes a sore loser, sometimes let the weaker player win- you do not always have to win the argument and last but not least follow the rules of the game- partners in a relationship should always respect each other. In short forget the traditional chauvinistic tendencies (days of women serving men on their knees, popping 50 kids because their man says so, men dragging women by the hair and slapping their teeth off are long gone and getting away with it !) and act as adults in a relationship, that's the best way to play the relationship game.

Screwed Nobody

With my forays into tarmacking (for a job) that resulted in me ending up in biashara and bummingham/unemployment which is a chronic problem for many graduates in modern Kenya, I was fortunate/unfortunate to learn the hard way that you are screwed if you are a nobody without connections in this town. In short if you don’t know the right people you should not even bother to get a degree or a diploma. Just tell your folks to hook you up with the cash you start a business and save yourself the agony-seriously. That's my deduction on the situation. It will deal with unemployment; sort out the problem of overcrowded universities and having to print out a gazillion copies of you resumes and academic papers and distributing them to HR trays that will then transfer them to the departmental shredder. The problem that may persist however is that most unqualified people will continue to get jobs that other people are qualified for and solutions to this little quagmire are quite welcome! Have a connectively productive day people

Older Generations

Just recently I had the great opportunity of hanging out with some pretty old school people (in one instance my old lady was in the mix). These individuals and I really had a good time with them recounting fun times in their days and what people in my generation missed out. One thing was clear though at the end of those lovely discussions filled with laughter and good memories, the future generations are a bit of a disappointment for the old. Which makes you wonder, who or what went wrong? These old timers talked of how there wasn’t anything such as the existence of disrespect and so many of the ills commonly available leo. Pierced ears, tiny skirts, underage drinking and teenage sex among others were unheard of. And that makes me wonder what did these guys do to pass time and for entertainment, that's where LPs, love mix tapes (making a tape recording of your girl’s favourite ballad playlist and writing all the lyrics down for her) creative mchongowano, games and love letters-yes love letters come in. Some of these old timers have mad lines and I’m sure if young dudes would spend some more time with them, they would have better game and a little more respect for what’s around them. Spend some time with the old schoolers people, the knowledge they have is uncomparable and precious!

Musings from Safari Yangu Ndogo

So my visit to Afrika Kusini was interesting and entertaining simultaneously! Firts thing that hit me is how much potential we have to be on their level and how unfortunately we aren’t-pity! After visiting different parts of the country I was able to sample different new experiences most of which were enjoyable. Anyway to cut a long story short, here is a summary of some of the peculiarities and interesting things I noticed about the place.

1. They always ask FELLOW Africans, ‘How is Africa?’ ( A little FYI guys, last I checked you are in Africa!)

2. Few understand how you can actually draw the whole map of Africa and explain where Kenya is

3. Majority at the soccer stadiums and fan parks were fully convinced that the Kenyan flag is the Swaziland flag. I know I couldn’t understand that too

4. Few know that other African countries fought for their independence, they are only aware of their country’s freedom struggles

5. They are super patriotic. Very proud of their nationality and NEVER hesitant to show it which I found to be pretty cool!

6. Other frequently asked questions; You’re Kenyan right, can you run fast? Can you jump (like a Maasai), Why are you short and light? We thought all Kenyans are slim dark and can run!

7. They have white folks everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Found it weird having white staff serving me in restaurants, banks, shops, white cops, and the list is endless! In Kenya, catch white people dead in these employment positions!

8. It is a country of diverse cultures and traditions-call it one ginormous melting pot of sorts! Imagine the cuisine- ended up adding a few kgs while their

9. Awesome architecture galore everywhere you look, modern has been incorporated with traditional styles also some are quirky, funky, and unique and the blend is just awesome.

10. The roads there are HEAVENLY! First thing I noticed when I got back is how deplorable ours are and how I miss theirs! Tuko down na barabara zetu.

African Traditions

Been having interesting discussions with members of the old generation from different ethnic backgrounds. The coolest thing about these people is that you get to learn so much from them that you would not learn from TV, FB, Twitter or on many modern sites. The treasure trove of knowledge is amazing, and soooooo interesting.

The best part is getting info on all these interesting practices that Africans have and the preparations and attire involved( I use the word have because contrary to popular belief what happens in Nairobi applies to the rest of Kenya so that means guys in shagz still practice them).

So in essence it makes me wonder what position I would be in if the zungs' hadn't colonised us and if I would have existed at all! And if I had, would I have like 16 tois, mbotching my behind off, be pulling a zuma (being a mkemwenza) and missing a vital part of my anatomy (yep the part that they amputate from mamas for most of African cultures). Kinda makes you wonder where you would be right now and how much of your background's practices you know and practice.

As I head to our brothers down south tomorrow, lets see what interesting practices they have there, siku njema people (despite the cold) (",)

Bad hotels and restaurants in Nairobi

The list is based on poor service and food mostly based on my experience dining there.
1. Art cafe; these guys quite conviniently ignore you whilst signaling them for service-actually the term should be deliberately ignore customers! Then the meal portions are rediculously tiny for the amount paid-just picture ordering a slice of cake and what comes resembles a biscuit and the price is about Kshs250 or thereabouts if they haven't been hiked!
2. Epic restaurant: food takes FOREVER to be served, it comes in uchoyo portions and you will need to walk to the front desk to pay your bill as the waiters usually 'conviniently' forget about some of the diners-next time I will just walk out without paying!
3. The Stanley; apart from treating every female African customer like potential prostitutes, they also have really bad service, but god salad
4. Its a tie-Yes people its that bad! Java Koinange and Java Junction: take too long to serve miros (read white man syndrome here) and at times have waiters with lousy, unecessary attitude.
So good people you now know where not to go for those upscale restaurants that you might consider. And just something small to ponder with such service, do the staff in these places seriously expect to get tips from fellow miros after the 'service' they give? I guess that's why most people prefer locals/mtaani food places, why? The food comes quickly, its cheap and the service is equal for all! And on top of everything these guys do not even expect tips so if you give a tip-you're the star client!
Have a satisfactory day people (",)

Crying in a Mercedes

Had a discussion with a close friend today from her FB posting about an option between crying in a Merc and a bicycle and her response was in a Toyota of sorts in regards to happiness in life and general musings. When she asked for my answer, I replied a Merc-why? Because it has air-con to dry the tears, kick ass stereo with surround sound for an uplifting jam to lift my spirits and a random bottle of something alcoholic to lift up my spirits ;). In addition tinted windows so that people don't see me cry and my credit card in the car to get me a pair of Jimmy Choos to again-lift up my spirits.

At this queried whether we are too materialistic and I told her my deduction of the situation is that we just want the best in life for ourselves, and who can blame us?

Would you rather cry on a bike in the dust, glaring sun and in public viewing where you could even preng the bike and cause even more public disgrace or in a Merc with dignified poise (mind you, while weeping), privacy and consoling surroundings?

Ponder this and a mzuri weekend people as we cheer on Ghana tonight in the world cup! (",)

P.R Kenyan style

Had a meeting for a charity event venue source of sorts and I have to say I met the most snooty 'Sales and Marketing Manager' ever! Fine its a prestigious hotel and you work there, but my dear here is the reality check-you don't own it, so don't act like you do!

That's what happens when you get media personalities to do jobs that do not suit them-whether they are trained or not. I wondered after that meeting what kind of sales manager was in place there and how exactly she met her targets with such an attitude considering the guy who runs the hotel is sooooo chilled out! Anyway as a resolve, I shall invite her for the charity event at another venue just be courteous after all, snootiness only looks good on the snooty (",)

Patriotism

Attended a rather interesting breakfast meeting leo where one of the key speakers was Brand Kenya C.E.O, Mary Kimonye who gave an interesting insight about Kenyan perceptions on patriotism. The fact that Kenyans are always quick to criticize anything regarding their country instead of applauding or appreciating any positive aspect that arises out of this amazing motherland! Which was soooo right considering I am one of those Kenyans guilty of this condemnation of my motherland! (Shame-yes, I know)

Which is why after that meeting I have resolved to become more patriotic and proudly market and support the positive aspects of Kenya. This will include adding more Kenyan flag oriented clothes in my closet in addition to my Kenya Rugby shirts and khangas and also buy a big flag to replace the small one hanging in my house.

In essence I will do more when I go for the world cup finals next week and rival the patriotism levels of our brothers and sisters in the rainbow nation down south.

Najivunia kuwa Mkenya not navumilia kuwa Mkenya anymore! Have a patriotic day (",)

What a World Cup

Major game renowned world over-hence the title and Africa only has one team to show, regardless of the fact that this was meant to be the continent's first time to host it. And a lousy African themed ball (in name and looks only, if I may add).

What a let down in performance!

Also what a let down in the official song-originally done by a Cameroonian group then remixed by a Columbian who trashed it by trying to add in a small part by a South African band. And a lovely song by a Somali/continent native rejected as the official song for a world cup hosted in Africa!

To add salt to injury majority of the African teams have foreign coaches(could this be reason for their abysmal performance?) who speak not a smite of the national language of the teams they coach.

My deduction of this world cup is that the only thing African about it is the venue, few African teams and the African fans.

MATATU!

Escapades on a daily basis in one include;

1. Bad breath and body odour from fellow passengers and the tout

2. Risk of getting robbed, mugged or mat-jacked by gun totting hoodlums

3. Insults among drivers, touts and passengers

3. Conning of your change from the tout

4. Fondling from perv passengers

5. Risk of your life thanks to drivers manoeuvring the jav like formula 1 racers

6. Arrest over lack of seat belt use

7. Having to bribe a cop to not get busted for lack of seat belt use

6. Getting stuck in the aisle between seats in a small jav

The list is endless and the worst part is how passengers are at most times helpless against this!

Siku njema people

Kenya

At the moment there seems to be a really dark prescence hovering over us. If its not vampire like serial killers, paedophiles and natural calamities its now bombings in peaceful public rallies.
Pray do tell what the conditions will be in 2012, its about time our lousy leaders grow a pair and start thinking about the people and not themselves. And on the part of my fellow Kenyans, embrace peace and advocate for unity and equality.